


You Love Him (So Let Him Go)

by Rin_SchwarzFeuer



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Borussia Dortmund, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, I'm Sorry, Implied abuse, M/M, mentions of other players, mentions of other relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3852451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rin_SchwarzFeuer/pseuds/Rin_SchwarzFeuer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their relationship is perfect until it can't be.</p><p>Or a take on why Mats and Neven aren't close anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Love Him (So Let Him Go)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know any of these people in real life and these characterizations are fictional characterizations. It is used to move the plot.  
> Read the tags carefully, I tried to tag everything. This is my first foray into something this heavy (and it really isn't that deep tbh) so please forgive me if I left anything out.  
> If I did please let me know and I'll be sure to add it in.

Mats grits his teeth and continues his stretches. He’s not going to turn around and beg for forgiveness, he’s not. 

So instead he storms off as soon as Neven comes out because anger hides every other emotion and thought that would else be written over his face.

Every bit of sorrow, guilt and remorse is washed away by the hostile waves he’s emitting and he ends up by Marco who doesn’t say a word about his foul mood but lets him stay and pair up with him.

Mats is grateful because he knows if he goes to Neven he’ll break down and “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you pleasepleaseplease.” Will be the only things to tumble out of his mouth.

And that won’t help a thing so he sucks it up and pretends he can’t see the lost, wounded expression on Neven’s face every time he looks at him.

* *  
Coming to Dortmund wasn’t exactly what Mats wanted in life. He’s a Munich boy but he swallows every single complaint and does what his father says. 

Sometimes he wishes he could stand up to his father but he knows he can’t. In the end it’s just easier to shut up and do what he says. 

Neven’s the shining light though. He’s shy smiles and awkward nods and Mats is a continuous shitshitshit because he had to leave Bayern because of a mistake and he refuses to make the same mistake twice. Neven Subotic is not going to break his resolve.

Except he does, of course he does. They’re young, they’re great, they play as if they were made to play together and soon they’re the wall at the back for BVB. Mats is beyond thrilled and if Neven becomes less shy and more comfortable and Mats’ congratulatory pats linger, well no one notices and if they do they say nothing.

* *  
2009 comes and goes and Mats is hard pressed to say who he prefers as a partner for the U21. Jerome or Benni. They’re both excellent and Mats feels at ease with either or both of them on the field with him. It’s nowhere as comfortable as it is with Neven but Mats doesn’t think anyone can match what he and Neven has.

2009 also brings around the choice to stay in Dortmund. Mats likes it, likes it better than Munich and he didn’t expect that. He wonders idly if it is the company that has him changing his tune.

With the newly signed contract comes his father. 

Hermann Hummels is shorter than Mats at full height but his father’s gaze has always made him feel small. It’s not a particularly nice feeling.

“Mats.” He says sternly.

“Father.” There’s no hesitation. His father hates hesitation.

“I trust you aren’t up to any of that nonsense you were in at Bayern.” He’s disapproving and Mats swallows, knowing that underneath the mild tone there’s an anger waiting to be unleashed at the wrong word.

“No I’m not father.”

“Good.” is all he gets in response and that was it. Mats sags in relief and fingers the phone in his hand when he’s alone.

He gives in to impulse and texts Neven, and after getting “nothing much” in reply to his query of what he was doing, he decides to give into impulse again.

Barely half an hour later and his once empty flat is filled with laughter and shouts as Mats and Neven trash-talk each other more than actually play FIFA.

It’s a start of something that really shouldn’t have begun.

* *  
Mats knows he should be careful. They’re professional footballers and football isn’t known for embracing homosexuality. Quite the opposite in fact.

But it doesn’t stop either of them and in 2007 Mats begins his trysts with Holger Badstuber. 

It’s easy, it’s casual. They’re just friends, and teammates sometimes, who are the same age so it doesn’t raise eyebrows if they’re with each other often.

It’s because of that they get slightly careless and Mats’ father catches them.

To say it wasn’t pretty was the understatement of the year. Hermann was furious and after informing his son of exactly what he thought of it, he forced a move for Mats away from Bayern, away from Holger. 

* *

He refuses to make the same mistake with Neven. 

It doesn’t work out that way though.

A house party at Kevin’s ends with Neven and Mats pressed up against the wall in the bathroom, mouths slotted together and fingers tangled in hair and shirts.

When they finally make it out, looking significantly more dishevelled, they end up straight into the path of a wide eyed Sebastian whose hand is outstretched to open the door. 

Mats gets the flashbacks from years ago with Holger and feels sick.

Before he can really panic, Kehli just huffs out a laugh and teasingly says, “I was wondering if you were going to do something or just make heart eyes at each other.”

He claps them on the shoulders and that’s that. Neven grins at him, eyes sparkling and Mats can’t help but to reach out and pull him in a hug. For once he feels significantly more at ease and he ends up taking Neven home with him that night.

It’s the start of their relationship.

* *  
Neven likes photography. He enjoys snapping pictures of everything he sees. He has a knack for making the most mundane objects look like a work of art.

So Mats isn’t sure what to do when Neven starts taking pictures of him. And doesn’t stop.

“Why?” he questions one day as he goes through the photographs of himself Neven has. It causes a blush to rise on his cheeks because while he objectively knows that he’s a good looking man, Neven makes him look stunning even in the most candid of poses.

The sheer amount of pictures he has of Mats just lounging around in either of their flats or reading or on the computer, in the most uneventful situations, would be a bit creepy if it wasn’t so flattering. Besides Mats knows Neven and he knows he does this out of love.

Neven comes up next to him and picks out a picture and carefully gives it to Mats to hold and watch. It’s one that looks fairly recent and it’s of Mats splayed across his bed. He’s taking up three quarters of the bed in the picture and due to his downturned mouth and eyes squinting towards the window where a patch of sunlight is directly in his face, Mats guesses the picture is from a morning where they didn’t have to rush to training and could have slept in.

It isn’t the most flattering of poses yet Neven makes it look beautiful and Mats swallows suddenly unsure.

“Why?” Neven hums, a hand reaching out to take the photograph and smile at it fondly, “because you’re beautiful and only I can see you like this.”

The last part has him lowering the photograph and giving Mats that small smile of his that makes him look simultaneously bashful and confident.

Mats launches himself at him and mumbles an “I love you” against his mouth before capturing it in his own for a rough kiss. Neven laughs, delighted, and returns the sentiment and all thoughts of photographs and muses are forgotten for the time.

Mats is so happy he could burst and he doesn’t know how he ever became lucky enough to have this.

* *  
Mats should have learnt by now that he isn’t lucky. Not in the slightest.

His father found out about his and Neven’s relationship. How Mats isn’t sure and he wants to kick himself for allowing it to happen.

His father looks enraged and Mats is scared.

* *  
He never told Neven about the details of what his father threatened him with after Holger. Now he wishes he did. But it’s too late now and instead Mats strikes a deal with his father.

“I’ll end it. I’ll end it right now and I’ll marry Cathy and I’ll be the most fucking straight man ever just please, please don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt his career, he doesn’t deserve this please.” He’s begging but he doesn’t care. There are few things he wouldn’t do for Neven.

Somehow, miraculously his father agrees. But Mats knows it’s the last time and he refuses to take any more chances. He would never forgive himself if Neven’s career goes downhill because he forgot what his father said if he continued with that “sissy bullshit”.

“I’ll out you. I’ll out you and whatever princess you’re fucking and I’ll watch you careers go down the drain. No son of mine is going to be a disgusting faggot.”

* *  
So he calls Neven, voice cold and asks him if he could come over.

His voice is still cold and eyes hard as he tells Neven that it’s over, that he lied and he doesn’t love him, never did and that he doesn’t want to risk his career just to fuck him.

It’s the fucking hardest thing Mats ever did and he walks out pretending that seeing Neven break isn’t breaking him.

* *  
Its 2013 and the day after Mats broke up with the love of his life. The universe continues on the same as before and they have training the same as usual and Mats is angry. He’s angry at his father for putting him in this position, he’s angry at the homophobic sport that is football but more than that he’s angry at himself for not telling Neven the truth and instead backing down like the coward he is.

Because deep inside he knows that Neven loves him just as much as he loves Neven. He knows that Neven will calmly say, “Fuck it, let him do what he wants. We can do this.” And he knows that Neven will stay true to his word and they’ll do it together and deal with the shit storm that is getting outed.

But he also knows that one day Neven will be tired of all the comments, of all the harassment, of all the bullshit that will come with being an openly gay football player. Mats knows that one day Neven will be tired of it and start to resent it. And he’ll start to resent Mats for putting him in that position.

And Mats can lie to Neven’s face. He can run away and pretend that the Serb wasn’t the best thing to ever happen to him. He can pretend he hates Neven with all his being.

But Mats cannot stand if Neven starts to hate him. He cannot. So he lies, he pretends and he runs away.

He ignores the looks Neven throws him, he ignores the confusion and sympathy of his teammates who of course knew about their relationship because they aren’t blind. He ignores Kloppo’s sometimes icy comments because Neven is practically Kloppo’s son.

He ignores it all and instead lets his anger stew in him. 

But most of all he ignores the love he still has for Neven and he ignores the need to go back to him.

* *  
Neven loses his muse.

Before Mats was his muse and all the significant photographs Neven had were of him. Now he’s lost, and he doesn’t know what to do.

He posts photographs of buildings and any beautiful architecture he lays his eyes on, on his Instagram account and pretends it’s enough.

He pretends he’s fine.

He realizes soon enough that he’s shit at pretending.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Again fictional characterizations. I am sure Hermann Hummels is a wonderful man and father but for the sake of this fic he is portrayed as the opposite.
> 
> I'm on tumblr at rinblackfire and my askbox is always open for requests or just to say hello 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated as usual :)


End file.
